CRISPER, an East LA cholo looking to break into the hip-hop world, and BENJAMIN, a nerdy white college kid working as a car stereo installer, were chosen by fate in the year 2015 when Crisper pulled into Echo Park Sound to get new subwoofers in his ‘64 Impala low rider. A gift from Crisper’s archeologist uncle, Crisper was unaware of the ancient medallion his uncle had hidden in the trunk. After Benjamin cranked the bass from “Taylor Swift” levels, past “Nikki Manaj” levels, then landing on “Internal Bleeding” levels, the medallion energized, creating a rip in the fabric of space-time. The two Aztec gods in charge of maintaining the timeline, COATLICUE and MICTLANTECUHTLI, send our heroes to various points in time in order to fix the continuum by fulfilling an Aztec prophecy known as “The Journey of One Million Steps”.
However it becomes clear that “Coat” and “Mick” are not even sure if this prophecy will work since it was written quickly one day right before a “human sacrifice and brunch”. But they can’t let the cat out of the bag either. Coat is looking to be the first female head of the Aztec Council, and Mick is one violation away from having his soul being erased from existence after he illegally interacted with humans to make USB connections needlessly frustrating. Since direct interaction with humans is a legal and bureaucratic nightmare, the gods have to rely on Benjamin and Crisper to help them fix the damage, even if they don’t really know how to do it themselves.
From ancient Rome to the Civil War, French Revolution to Feudal Japan, our intrepid heroes, and the gods they’re trusting with their lives, are in over their heads… and trying not to lose them along the way. Will Crisper spit a freestyle to the founding fathers about how they are racists? Can Crisper get a Nordic village to try a “bomb ass carne asada burrito?” Will Benjamin and Crisper stay alive long enough for Coat and Mick to figure out how to fix the timeline? Well, when you’re a time traveler, it doesn’t matter how long anything takes.
Crisper
ROBERTO “CRISPER” ALVAREZ grew up in East LA, and learned all the ways of the street while being smart enough to keep his nose out of trouble. Being intelligent sometimes doesn’t do much for people in the inner city, so Crisper is still coming to terms with how smart he is, but it does comes out when it needs to. He’s quick to observe, has an out-of-the-box way of finding solutions, and doesn’t give a fuck about telling it like it is. Doesn’t matter if there’s an entire Roman army after them, or he’s partying with Marilyn Monroe, Crisper plays it cool, just like the drawer in the fridge he’s named after.
Crisper has been trying to get his hip-hop career off the ground since high school, and it hasn’t been going well for him. Not for lack of talent, but lack of confidence. It’s difficult to see yourself as being successful when none of it is around you. Living with his mom and doing legal side hustles, Crisper was doing okay, but he ended up taking a job with UPS to get some real income, giving up his hip-hop dreams in the process. That all changed when his absent and mysterious uncle gifted him a 64’ Impala in a will, leaving Crisper something to care for and work towards, and reinvigorating his love of hip-hop.
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It was soon after this that he ended up at Echo Park Sound. Being thrust on this crazy journey just as his life was coming back. He doesn’t take it as an annoyance, but as inevitable. Once again life has let him down, so fuck it, why even try? This hits a raw nerve with Benjamin, who sees Crisper’s potential and misinterprets his forced apathy for laziness. However Crisper is intelligent and does learn, he just has to learn to believe he’s worth his dreams.
Benjamin
BENJAMIN BEBBENROTH comes from Sherman Oaks, and was given the best in life. He’s extremely book smart and has the drive and work ethic to take him anywhere, but he’s blocked by his crippling anxiety and his incessant need to be risk adverse, but he’s getting sick of this. It might take a little push, but he has the ability to break out of his own comfort zone, and when he does he takes whatever world he’s in by storm.
Growing up as a descendant of holocaust survivors, all of the members of Benjamin’s family were expected to do great things, but this expectation can place a heavy weight on your shoulders. Benjamin grew up terrified of failure, which made him terrified to take risks, but he’s also gotten nowhere by taking safe bets. Getting his BA in electrical engineering a year early, Benjamin was hard pressed to find a way to make money while also studying for his masters. He ended up at Echo Park Sound, installing car stereos and sinking into a comfortable but unfulfilling routine.
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​Now on this journey through time and space, Benjamin’s life has been severely disrupted, but he secretly doesn’t want to admit that he’s excited about it. The studious side of him wants to complete the Journey of One Million Steps as written, but Crisper’s bull in a china shop approach will push Benjamin out of his comfort zone and teach him how to take risks, and have a bomb ass party along the way.
COATLICUE is an ageless, timeless deity. She is known as the Mother of the Gods, the Lady in the Snake Skirt, and the Creator of the Moon and the Stars… and loves to watch musicals with a box of wine and a pint of ice cream. Being a woman in a mystical Aztec utopia ruled by men, Coatlicue has seen and heard everything in the few millennia she’s been in existence, and she’s over all of it. She commands respect, calls out male ego bullshit, but has a strong moral compass that she defends, even if she’s in the wrong.
Stuck in what would be considered an upper management position in the Aztec God government, Coatlicue has been ready for her shot at the Head of the Council since Quetzalcoatl announced his retirement. But like many women in her position, her numerous qualifications are put up against sexist beliefs that women are too emotional to be in power, and every decision she makes is scrutinized unfairly. She’s a fighter, though, and has made really good headway toward winning the votes she needs.
Well that all went to shit when two humans somehow broke the space-time continuum, an area she was put in charge to oversee. Having to rely on an ancient prophecy written thousands of years ago that doesn’t seem to work, and a forced partner in Mick who embodies everything she hates in men, Coatlicue will have to figure out how to fix this before she gets blamed and loses her chance for the spot she’s more than qualified for.
Coatlicue
MICTLANTECUHTLI is pretty much everything you hate in a person, but wrapped up in a stout flaming Aztec skeleton. An egotistical sociopath, Mick yearns for the days when humans would gleefully sacrifice themselves for them, and is a staunch believer that they need to “Make Aztec Gods Bloodthirsty Again”. He’s cruel, ruthless, and always sophomoric in his approach to everything. He says things like “Yum yum in my tum tum, can’t wait to dine on your delicious souls”. If it were up to him, Benjamin and Crisper’s souls would have been eaten long ago.
Known as the God of Death and king of Mictlan, the lowest and northernmost section of the underworld, Mick has power in the Aztec God world, but not enough in his eyes. After realizing that he was pigeonholed into his role, Mick started to make some moves to gain power, including physically interacting with humans on Earth, which is a highly regulated act within the realm of the gods. The council overlooked his actions, and his refusal to fill out the reams of paperwork, but when Mick influenced the development of USB cables to be the most frustrating thing ever, that was the last straw.
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​As punishment for his acts, Quetzalcoatl assigned Mick to work for Coatlicue as the enforcer of the timeline he meddled with, a position he hates. He sees himself as “the smartest god”, “the strongest god”, and “no one is a better Aztec god than me”, so to be bossed around by another god, let alone a goddess, is “sad”. However, if Quetzalcoatl finds out that the timeline was broken under his watch, Mick’s soul will be dissolved into the inky blackness of space, so he has to work with Coatlicue to make this work, even if it goes against everything in his being.
Mick
The "Lo"
THE “LO”, a 1964 Chevy Impala that Crisper is turning into a low rider. The classic car was willed to him from the estate of his dead uncle, who was a Mesoamerican archeologist. Seeing this as a new lease on his life, Crisper babies the car, and makes incremental upgrades as he can afford it, which makes him really nervous now that it is the vehicle taking them to all periods of time.
Henrietta
HENRIETTA is a badass widow of the American Revolution. A woman who refuses to be trapped in time, literally and figuratively, she stowed away in the Lo after meeting Benjamin and Crisper. Always up for an adventure, this fearless woman couldn’t turn down the opportunity to not only see the world, but many worlds. Not afraid to go after what she wants, and allergic to being held down, Henrietta will pop in and out of the Benjamin and Crisper’s path, and challenge them on the way.
Quetzlcoatl
QUETZALCOATL, the Aztec god of wind, air, and learning, has been the head of the Aztec Council for a few hundred years, and he’s ready to retire. Benevolent in nature, and mostly fair, Quetzlcoatl does have a little bit of a selfish streak now that he can see retirement on the horizon. This whole deal with the broken timeline is a thorn in his side that he can’t wait to get rid of, and he’s completely done with the squabbling politics of the Aztec government. He’s hoping that Coatlicue and Mick can fix this debacle without having to bug him too much.
Toci
TOCI is Coatlicue’s star assistant. Always happy to be there, and on top of her game, Toci is honored to be working for a woman like Coatlicue, but also works herself into the ground sometimes. Coatlicue sometimes wonders if she’s actually the woman that Toci believes she is, and sometimes feels guilty for taking up so much of her life. In return Coatlicue has been trying to groom Toci to be a powerful woman herself, but Toci’s penchant for servitude has made that difficult.
Ohtli Freeway
OHTLI FREEWAY, a resplendent multi-color road in the middle of outer space that has no beginning or end, this is the meeting place for our characters in-between time periods. The road is paved with glowing artifacts of the Aztec calendar, and feels like if you stepped off of it you’d fall into the infinite abyss of space. Coatlicue and Mick appear as 30ft tall beings looking over the road, and can change the appearance of the road at any time. Sometimes turning it into an elaborate game show, a nightclub, or whatever Mick needs to torture our heroes.
Tenochtitlan 2.0
TENOCHTITLAN 2.0 is the pristine utopia that the Aztec gods live and work. Think Wakanda for Aztecs. A mixture of Aztec architecture and modern accouterments, like yoga studios, boutique candle shops, and Starbucks, Tenochititlan 2.0 is what the future would be like if Aztecs ran the show. The Great Temple of the Gods lies in the center of the city, which looks like the Temple of Kukulcan in Chichen Itza with an office building coming out of the top. This is the central hub of governance in the Aztec god world, and where Coatlicue and Mick have their offices.
Timeline
PERIODS ALONG THE TIMELINE, and there will be many of them. Benjamin and Cripser will be sent to the past, and future, of every region on the planet. From the primordial goo of the past to the floating cars of the future (apparently FAR in the future), our boys will journey through places we never thought possible. Through Aztec powers Benjamin and Crisper will be able to communicate to anyone by speaking English, but that doesn’t mean that some slang sayings will translate. They’ll even have to explore some alternate histories, especially when one of them screws up the timeline even more.
Competin’ with Rasputin
Our boys, along with Henrietta, are sent back to early 20th century Russia to keep Leon Trotsky and Vladimir Lenin from splitting the early Bolshevik party. Crisper doesn’t understand why, but he’s down to stir some shit up. While in Moscow Henrietta encounters Rasputin, who claims to have healing powers, and clearly shows his womanizing powers. Crisper gets jealous and challenges Rasputin’s claims to mystical powers, but Rasputin is a master at deception and makes Crisper look stupid to a courtyard full of people. Benjamin stays on course and gets caught up in Bolshevik drama, only to help Trotsky break from Lenin, the opposite of what they were told to do. Henrietta realizes that Crisper has caught feelings, and lets him down gently. She’s done being tied to anyone, and decides to stay in Russia for a while. They’re zapped back to Ohtli, and Coatlicue
Medieval Rhymes
Crisper and Benjamin find themselves in Medieval Times circa the year 600, and Crisper is like, “Damn, this is like that spot with dinner and tournament. We took my uncle there for his birthday once and he got drunk as fuck.” King Arthur is procuring his famed Knights of the Round Table, but a scrupulous furniture maker is trying to convince the King that a long rectangular table would be better. Benjamin and Crisper question why such an innocuous change would mean “the erasure of England from the history books”, but it becomes very clear at the first meeting when the knights childishly fight over who sits in the best seats. Benjamin discovers that he’s got a knack for archery after being challenged by a drunken peasant to shoot an apple off his head, so Crisper initiates an archery challenge between Benjamin and Martin. Benjamin’s anxiety is put to the test, but he overcomes it, only to lose the challenge. However, that wasn’t the plan. Crisper points out that Martin holds his bow “like those foos from 300”, and exposes Martin as a Persian spy.
Rome’s Trial by Fire
After being plopped in ancient Rome with only the vague instruction “stop Nero from fiddling when Rome burns”, Benjamin and Crisper get into a huge fight when all their attempts to get close to Nero, or find out if fiddles actually exist, fail miserably. They go their separate ways. Crisper decides that if they were going to be there when Rome burns then he might as well go out having fun. The day before the fire he ends up in a bath house, where he quickly discovers that there’s “a bunch of dudes and no fine ass hynas”, but ends up getting drunk with “ISOSCELES” (not his real name, but the nickname Crisper gave him), who tells him that Nero is actually 35 miles away at his villa at Antium. Benjamin ends up getting captured after accidently admitting that he was Jewish, and forced to be a servant for gladiators at the Coliseum. He meets a group of musicians, and none of them have any idea on what a “fiddle” is. The fire starts, and Benjamin and Crisper find each other in the fray, sorry for the falling out they had. They realize that the “Journey of One Million Steps” night not be so accurate with history.
Coat and Mick’s Trial by Ire
We get a look on the other side of the Wizard’s curtain when Coatlicue and Mick get word that they’re being summoned to testify on the status of the timeline to the Aztec Council. Not knowing what the next “step” should be, Mick makes up a step on the fly, using an old myth about Nero fiddling while Rome burns, just to get them on their way before the hearing. Coatlicue and Mick get their stories straight before the hearing, but once in front of the council Mick quickly throws Coatlicue under the bus to seize power over the situation. However the move quickly backfires when Quetzalcoatl reveals that Mick twitches his bony eye when he’s lying, something that Mick tries to lie his way out of while continuing to twitch his eye. Quetzalcoatl has had enough of Mick’s bullshit, but Coatlicue steps in and admits to some of what Mick is saying, risking her chance at being the Head of the Council to save Mick from being erased from existence. This act is lost on Mick, of course, but Coatlicue feels good for doing the right thing. Benjamin and Crisper come back from the Rome inferno and reveal that they know there’s something up with the “Journey of One Million Steps”.
Sushi n’ Ginger
On a mission in Feudal era Japan, Benjamin finds out that his orange hair is getting him laid all over the place. Crisper is suspicious of the attention and Benjamin thinks he’s jealous. Coatlicue appears to tell them that something is very wrong, but Benjamin makes the decision to stay. He’s never been happier in his life. Crisper devises a plan to lure Benjamin back to the Lo by having a large statue of him built around the car, getting Ben close enough to zap him back to Ohtli. Before Benjamin’s inevitable temper tantrum, Coatlicue sends them both to modern day Japan, where they learn that Benjamin’s offspring has created a racial divide between orange haired and black haired Japanese, which culminated into a civil war that destroyed the country. Coatlicue informs him that in order to fix this, he has to go back and turn down every woman he slept with, which Benjamin agrees. Once back in feudal Japan, Crisper reveals that he jacked some weird Japanese condoms, and tells him to go nuts without busting a nut in anyone.
What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been
The Lo rolls to a stop on Ohtli, Crisper and Benjamin look like they’ve been through hell. They just fought in the Franco-Prussian war. Mick and Coat have the next “step” lined up, but our boys pass out from exhaustion. Mick sees this as an opportunity to torture them, but Coatlicue figures it is time to give them a break, and what better place than Woodstock 1969! Except that she didn’t realize that Woodstock was a poorly planned dirty hippie disaster that would make Benjamin’s anxiety go through the roof, and ignite Crisper’s anger when his creased Dickies get dirty. During an anxiety attack, Benjamin is comforted by WAVY GRAVY, the lead hippie care taker, and both are given acid in the “good trip” tent, which sends them on a crazy journey that ends up with Crisper rapping over Hendrix’s guitar, and Benjamin forming a little mini cult. However, Crisper’s trip is interrupted by a woman who looks a lot like Henrietta, but loses her in the crowd. When asked, Coatlicue suspiciously doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Hindsight is 2020
Crisper wakes up in his own bed, in his present time. Thinking that everything he just experienced was just a long, crazy dream, he goes about his day, but starts to notice strange things. People area wearing masks for some reason, the sky is filled with smoke, and… Donald Trump is president?? Being that he’s started his journey in 2015, this is all alien to him. He drives the Lo to Echo Park sound, but it’s closed due to a pandemic. By chance he finds Benjamin during a BLM protest, and he’s also completely confused as to what’s going on, and thinks that they caused all of this. Back at Tenochtitlan 2.0, Coatlicue and Mick are feverishly trying to fix the magical mechanism they rely on for time travel, in-between bouts of bickering and blaming each other. Meanwhile, things are getting weirder for Ben and Crisp as they’re attacked by murder hornets! Things are looking bad but they’re saved at the last second by HENRIETTA! She reveals that the gods had been sending her on her own journey as well. Crisper learns of Kobe Bryant’s death and goes apeshit. There’s no way that all of this could be their fault, so it HAS to be the Aztec gods screwing up the timeline! Mick finally breaks down and calls an Aztec IT tech to fix everything. Crisper and Benjamin return, and are relieved to find out that it was all a big mistake. Crisper admits to Benjamin that Henrietta was the one that got away.
No Reservations
While helping early humans cross the Bearing Sea land bridge into the Americas, Crisper unknowingly drops his iPhone. Back at Ohtli, Quetzalcoatl throws a fit as he discovers that not only is the timeline not fixed, it’s WAY out of whack. He’s about to destroy Mick and Coatlicue, but then realizes that Crisper’s phone acted as a sort of monolith for all Native Americans, spurring a rapid advance in technology from the Eskimos to the Amazonian tribes. Looking to expand their territories, and with superior technology, the natives colonize much of Europe, but not with the same heavy hand the Europeans had. Concepts of fair trade and environmental harmony make this almost a utopia, but the natives are still human. Many wars have been fought between tribes, and Europeans are now living in their own reservations in Europe, an oppressed people. Quetzalcoatl is pleased with this new timeline, as the Aztecs now control most of world. Crisper, Benjamin, and Mick agree, this is a much better world. However, Coatlicue’s conscience gets the better of her. She risks her own future by breaking the rules and retrieving the iPhone herself. The oppressed becoming the oppressor isn’t better at all.
The Cortez Challenge
Coatlicue is convicted of the crime of directly interfering with humans… without getting approval from the Bureau of Human Interaction. With Coatlicue distracted with filling out literal mountains of paperwork, Mick tries to end the whole ordeal by sending Benjamin and Crisper to ancient Aztec times right before the landing of Ferdinand Cortez, in hopes that both will be slaughtered. However, the plan backfires as Crisper realizes that he’s the perfect cultural bridge between the Spaniards and the Aztecs after demonstrating his arcane knowledge of Aztec gods, and his unfounded ability to take naps no matter what’s going on. He and Benjamin broker a deal that allows the two peoples to live in harmony. Upon their return to Ohtli, Crisper expects to be a hero, but Coatlicue informs them that the Spaniards saw them being zapped out of existence and took this as Aztec magic. They ended up slaughtering the Aztecs anyway, and everything is back to where it was.
Mick’s Mess
The gods have a big one for our boys. They’re going to team up with Henrietta and journey to turn of the century Germany so that Heniretta can seduce Alois Hitler and prevent Adolph’s conception. Henrietta doesn’t like being used as a sexual weapon, Benjamin doesn’t like the idea of changing history this drastically, and Crisper doesn’t like the idea of Henrietta getting it on with some German puto. The gods overrule them. They’re trying to win political favor after Quetzlcoatl threatened to erase their souls for screwing up the timeline so bad. Preventing WWII would make the timeline even better than before! Mick decides to break protocol, again, and follow them in a human avatar to make sure they don’t screw up, but after losing a beer chugging contest during Oktoberfest, Mick accidently destroys a German village by flaming out. Henrietta can’t go through with the mission, and Crisper thinks it’s because of him, but Henrietta reminds him that she doesn’t want to be tied down to anything, breaking Crisper’s heart, but he understands. Back in Tenochtitlan 2.0, Mick is arrested and charged with flagrant human tampering, but is released without bail. It seems that Quetzlcoatl and the Aztec Council have been overthrown by the Mayan gods, and they like the cut of Mick’s jib. Mick quickly gains power in this new regime, but Coatlicue isn’t going to take this lying down.
Hal Rudnick
Hal Rudnick is a writer and comedian originally from New Jersey, an underrated state! He has written for the Disney Channel, Fox Sports/Fuel TV, and Billy on the Street. He's appeared on Key & Peele, Community, and Adam Ruins Everything. Additionally he's created countless viral videos garnering over 100,000,000 views while hosting on Screen Junkies YouTube channel. Hal also teaches and performs at the UCB Theater. He was on the bowling team in high school.
Daniel Chavez
Daniel Chavez grew up on the east side of LA, and made his way to the west side to start his film career. Having written many features and pilots, Daniel finally wrote one that got made! He's gone on to work as a visual effects producer/production supervisor for such movies as Aquaman, Avatar, Suicide Squad, and Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Using 3d animation Daniel has created many cartoons on his Explet!ve YouTube channel, and continues to make people laugh at his dumb jokes through animation.